I Drempt of You
I dreamt of flowers, waltzing in the sun. I dreamt of trees, bowing to the wind. I dreamed of people and places that no one could possibly see outside my mind. But none of those dreams compared, to what I dreamt of you.
You were my sun. Brilliant and beautiful. You were what my world revolved around. I loved you. I honestly, really, truly loved you.
I still love you.
I can’t stop, just because you aren’t mine. I can’t stop, just because you don’t’ love me. I need you, but I can’t force you to need me. I love you, but I can’t force that either.
Can I stand to sit here, watching you from afar? Watching you love others and keep smiling. Can I sit here, so far away, wanting to wrap my arms around you, but forcing myself to stay away for fear of smothering you? Can I sit here, without trying to die?
It hurts so bad.
I want to claw my heart out, to keep the pain away. I want to drown in the tears that won’t stop burning my eyes. I want to run away, to hide, to fade so that I don’t have to face the anguish and sorrow.
I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to take a sharp blade and slowly slice at my flesh until I am too numb to think and feel.
I want to sleep forever.
Why can’t you love me? Did I say or do something wrong? Am I ugly? What makes me so tarnished and flawed that you’d turn away from me?
Why?
It hurts…
Please, please make it stop. I can’t stand it any more. I’m going insane. all I can see if your face, smiling at me, laughing with each throbbing ache in my chest.
Make it stop…
I will still sit here, no matter how much it hurts, loving you, cherishing you, wanting you and taking care of you, for however long you let me. For if I cannot have you, then at least I can be close to you. At least I can be a small part of your life, not matter how much I die inside with each glance, each touch, each kiss that isn’t mine.
But please, allow me at least my dreams of you. So that I may have something, on the long, cold, empty nights. Something to hold, when there are no arms around me. Something to caress, when there is no body. Something to breath life into so that there is a warmth, protecting me.
I need something, to chase the nightmares and tears away.
Fin